how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
