I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
