Say something about gay babies.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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