No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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