I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
