She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
is wine microwaveable?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
