note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
