Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
