the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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