I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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