I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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