honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
