Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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