If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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