just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
