Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
