Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
