just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
are you so shy because you have an std?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
