Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
