the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
