My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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