Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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