yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
