Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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