I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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