just tell him i said nine months
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
