she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
