The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
