I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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