hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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