Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You're like the curious george of whores
I will be naked everywhere
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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