he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
