I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
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