brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
