I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
