It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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