Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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