As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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