The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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