There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
do herpes really smell.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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