how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
me + whiskey = a bad person
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
