You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
