If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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