She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
