yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
