I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
