I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
