he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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