just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
