if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
me + whiskey = a bad person
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
