When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize