My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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