I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I deserve this hangover.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
