The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
